“Open House”: when most Vancouverites read that term it’s usually splashed across countless unsolicited flyers shoved in your mailbox from one of our city’s roughly one billion licensed real estate agents. During the holiday season, however, the term “open house” takes on a decidedly different peppermint twist.
If you aren’t aware of the offensive concept of the Holiday Open House, let me explain: misguided hosts hoping to entertain us assume that we’re all so, so, so busy during the Christmas season that we simply cannot commit to just one social event on any given day or night for the entire month of December. Therefore, said misguided party hosts double down to a lowest seasonal denominator: they make the horrendous decision to host an open house, casting a very, very wide invite net, hoping everyone from their social rainbow will at least drop by at some point, over a ridiculously broad time spectrum.
Holiday Open House invitations are usually cheerily yet vaguely worded: “Tis the season to mix and mingle / since ol’ Kris Kringle will soon jingle / no need to give the doorbell a dingle / just prance on in and join the Hingles! Sunday, Dec. 20, 10am to 10pm.”
I can hear your snorts of disapproval. “How dare you poo-poo a Christmas party? What’s wrong with opening up your home to family and friends for 12 straight hours of holiday cheer? Scrooge you!”
Here’s what’s wrong with the open concept: all really great parties have a central focus. Something cool happens at memorable gatherings. If it’s a Christmas party, maybe it’s caroling, or a crokinole tournament, or a Secret Santa gift exchange, or a limbo contest, or Dickensian costumes, or charades using porn titles only (“Shaving Ryan’s Privates”! “Saturday Night Beaver”!), or a hot, live Dixieland band, a big surprise or announcement, or a silent auction for charity, or a boisterous countdown to the New Year, or something as simple as a gracious toast from your host. Something of focus should occur at some point for your party guests. Simply standing around stuffing balls into your mouth (of Ferrero Rocher) and drinking is just not enough. At some point, you need someone like Nardwuar to crowd-surf your living room.
Unfortunately, Holiday Open Houses usually suffer from such a grossly yawning time frame that it makes it impossible to maintain any party focal point whatsoever. There’s nothing more frustrating when hoping to arrive at the height of the action of a Holiday Open House, only to have the hosts say something like “OH HEY YOU!” (a sure sign they’ve forgotten your name). Or, “Darn it! You missed Elvis Costello and Diana Krall! They dropped by with the twins about seven hours ago.” Or this one: “You’re leaving already? We’re going to take the hockey sticks to the Canucks piñata in about three hours! It’s filled with Tim Hortons gift cards!”
Don’t even get me started on Holiday Open House hosts making you take your shoes off at the door.
Semantics and attention to detail at this time of year matter: next season, cancel the open house, have a party, and thank me later. Better yet, invite me. I promise to crowd surf your living room with nothing but my shoes on.
