JUSTIN TIME
Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his Conservatives have unearthed a lot of dirt on Justin Trudeau since he became leader of the federal Liberal party. Almost immediately, the Conservatives began running attack ads questioning Trudeau's lack of experience, his good looks, his name appeal and willingness to take his shirt off for charity. Taking your shirt of at the Calgary Stampede or while picketing an abortion clinic, sure - but for charity?
But the Conservatives went one step further. They highlighted Trudeau's experience as a camp counsellor, a drama teacher and, wait for it, a white-water rafting instructor. Is there nothing wicked this degenerate, painfully handsome, trust fund baby won't do? And correct us if we're wrong, but wasn't Hitler a white-water rafting instructor?
It gets worse. We have it on good authority that Trudeau is well acquainted with sexual positions other than missionary, he's seen the movie Show Girls (twice), he once used a Tim Hortons washroom without purchasing a cup of Canadian patriotism, and in the 1990s he once danced the lambada, otherwise known as the "forbidden dance." But mostly we're concerned about his wanton dalliances with the evils of white-water rafting, his glistening torso whipped by the frothy waters, perky nipples pressed against his damp life preserver, his tussled mane poking out of his helmet like a crocus pushing up through the moist soil towards the sun, the thrum of the rubberized raft pounding against the rocks. pounding. pounding. What kind of depraved man does that sort of thing?
WE'RE NUMBER 200!
Good news on the employment front. According to a survey by dream killers CareerCast.com, newspaper reporter is considered the worst job to have in 2013. The annual survey ranked 200 jobs from best to worst based on physical demands, work environment, income, stress and hiring outlook. Is it getting dark in here all of a sudden?
And what's the best job to have in 2013, besides being the publisher of CareerCast.com? That distinction goes to actuaries. In fact, it's so good we don't even know what they do. But after journalistic investigation (i.e. reading), we discovered that actuaries calculate the financial impact of risk and uncertainty, whether it's the chances of a hurricane destroying a beachfront home or taking on tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt to go to journalism school.
While newspaper reporter ranked a lowly 196 out of 200 last year, it really came on strong to capture the coveted bottom spot, beating out last year's loser, the lumberjack. In your face, Paul Bunyan and Brawny Paper Towels man!
"[Newspaper reporter] has been low for a while," CareerCast.com publisher Tony Lee told the Wall Street Journal in what must have been a fairly awkward interview. "What probably pushed it to the bottom is that several things got worse - job prospects decreased, the average salary continued to fall, and work hours continued to rise. Those factors also make the job more stressful."
Lee said a bunch of other things, but our sad little fingers couldn't muster up the strength to type anymore.
