“Always point the penis down. Always wipe the poo away from the vagina. And tell your wife to stop washing her nipples immediately”.
When I got the call for my Manshower, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I was within a week or two of becoming a father for the first time, and my best friend was on the phone with an invitation I never expected to receive.
Nick wanted to gather up friends who were already fathers, to head out for a night of dinner, drinks, and dad advice for me, the novice father-to-be. My wife was all for it, immediately dubbing it a “Manshower”. I found the term mildly offensive, but I went through with it, got soaked with baby information, soused with beer, and still managed to remember most of the parental knowledge passed on to me that night. It was great.
Cut to last week: it dawned upon me that Chris, another good friend, was about to become a dad for the first time. It was my turn to Play It Fatherhood. I made some calls, set the date, and it was on: Manshower! Monday night at Tacofino Gastown! Six dads and one to be! No gifts! These dads have kids ranging in ages from as old as 20 to as young as six months, so it was going to be good.
It didn’t take long for the advice to start flowing like poop into Pampers. Every dad at the table had a different experience and different take on parenting. For instance, if you hire a doula, make sure you arrange in advance that you cannot hook her up with VIP parking at the Folk Fest. If you have a homebirth, make sure the inflatable pool you set up in the living room doesn’t leak everything all over your white shag carpet and couch. And if you save the placenta, make sure you remember where you saved it, why you saved it, and which bowl in the fridge contains the placenta, and which has the leftovers to heat up for dinner.
As the Tofino Ale and margaritas kept flowing, so did the baby tips, including whether to remove them or not. But if you don’t circumcise the little guy, then when do you start cleaning under the hood? Apparently pretty soon, which I guess is something I have to get on… or under. Snipped or not, make sure you point that tiny penis downward in the diaper, otherwise you’re in for a hot wet mess. On the flipside, if you have a little girl, a heads up that it’s important to wipe the poo away from the vagina to avoid infection. And a polite finger dabbing of the sphincter will make sure the rest of the poo party arrives while you’re in the midst of removing a dirty diaper, instead of into a clean one minutes later. Cloth diapers are great if you want your entire house to reek like human shit. Cloth diapers are really great if you enjoy carrying human excrement around with you while on outings or travelling with your baby.
Oh, and the not-washing-the-nipples thing? In the weeks leading up to the birth, your wife/chosen life partner should stop washing her nipples! They give out an oozing secretion that attracts the baby to breastfeed, which soap can mess with.
A few more rounds later, the bill was finally paid (we took care of Chris’s) and the last few slurry, fatherly facts were shed like cradle cap. We set Chris off into the night, wide-eyed and stunned, and ready to become a dad. Here’s hoping he can Play It Fatherhood for the next dude somewhere down the dad line. A few days later, Chris’s wife Lauren gave birth to a baby girl named Georgia. Awww. #Manshower!
