Skip to content
Join our Newsletter
Join our Newsletter

RANT/RAVE (Mar. 24)

Squirt gun revenge Smokers, get ready. Instead of buying a pack of cigarettes, Im buying a pack of squirt guns.

Squirt gun revenge

Smokers, get ready. Instead of buying a pack of cigarettes, Im buying a pack of squirt guns. While you slowly kill yourself and drain your wallets buying smokes, Ill be filling my little guns with smelly water and squirting as I wish. Next time I see you lighting up near me, Ill engage in my new habit. Oh... did my dirty water affect you and spoil your day? Too bad. Squirting is my right. Water is legal. Maybe the parks board will ban squirt guns from beaches and parks. No worries. Ill ignore it, just like smokers do. What... no trash bin? No problem. Ill toss my squirt gun on the ground, just like smokers do. Yup, Ill flick it and grind it in with my foot, just to be safe. The crushed plastic will be unsightly, just like cigarette butts. Oh well. I hope I dont take someones eye out when I flick my used squirt gun out the window of my car. What? I drive a car, just like smokers do. They pollute with their cars and their lungs. I just have a squirting addiction. Smokers, you stink. Now shut up.


Learn how to dress

Why do the men in Vancouver dress like hillbillies? Attire themselves like they were born and raised in Chilliwack, you know all dressed to shovel manure or throw hail bails around. Red-neck baseball cap and their hillbilly, slouchy-assed loose-fitting jeans and their sweatshirt hoodie, fuck. Can we get a program on television like The Steven and Chris Show, which is done in Toronto, to teach the men in Vancouver to dress urbane? OK, urbane, look the word up.

Calvin, Rantline caller

Learn how to park

OK all you morons, park properly. One car equals one parking spot not two parking spots, not one-and-a-half parking spots. One car one parking spot. The next time that happens Im going to block you in so you never get out. Stupid morons, park properly or dont park at all, or go down the road and park properly or buy a parking spot.

Anonymous Rantline caller

Bike lanes need rules

Now that weve paid for this shit, its time to throw down some rules about the bike lanes: 1) Everyone who rides a bike in this city should have to insure it as a vehicle and display a licence plate under the seat. 2) Anyone riding outside of the bike lanes, where one is accessible, gets a roadside suspension and loses their bike for 24 hours. 3) Traffic violations on bikes should be enforced by cops and fines should be 50 per cent higher than cars due to the added risks that bikes pose. Now the revenue from this should be enough to shut TransLink up for a little while and we wont have to murder the obnoxious cycle-dicks that infest our once- beautiful city.


Dog owners rock

Rave to all dog owners in Vancouver. I think you are great! I walk everywhere, all the time in downtown, Coal Harbour, the West End and Kits and I very rarely see dog poop in streets and parks. Yes! Very rarely. I wonder where all these ranters live because I just dont see dog poop in the places I go. I really dont understand. Do we live in the same city? How come we have such different opinions? Where exactly are the piles of shit because I just dont see them anywhere. Anyways, congrats dog owners (I am not one of them), I think most of you rock big time. Keep doing what you are doing. And for the few ones who dont pick up after their dogs, please get with the program.


Share the road

My rant is against pedestrians and drivers. I know there are bad pedestrians who do not abide by the traffic light laws. There are also bad drivers who are cutting pedestrians off at intersections and crosswalks, even when they are walking with a walk light. So I appeal to all of them to abide by the traffic laws. And remember drivers, you are sitting comfortably inside a nice warm car. When its cold like today, pedestrians are out in the elements. Waiting two or three seconds to let them clear the crosswalks would not harm you in any way. So please abide by the traffic laws.


Dont text while crossing the street

I really hope this rant directed at those texting women with the iPod earphones stuck into their ears will scare them straight because I was freaked for a whole day last year after witnessing what could have been a fatal tragedy but ended up as a very close shave with death. Last November, I was waiting at the crosswalk on Granville and Davie when a 20-something woman jaywalked by us as we waited for the crossing light to change. There she was texting to whomever with her earphones plugged deep into her ears, completely oblivious to the red crossing light or the bus carrying 30 or so people accelerating to get to the bus stop on the other side of the street. The bus driver honked his horn which the texting woman obviously couldnt even hear and then braked just in time to come to a stop less than a few inches from her. Even then she didnt even notice the whole scenario until she looked up from her smartphone to see that she was halfway across the street on a red light and that she was blocking the traffic that had stopped so that she might live another day. I really dont think she even cared in the least about the vehicle drivers or the bus driver whom she inconvenienced and maybe even traumatized as they nearly took her life. She just returned to her texting and continued to walk as the other pedestrians and I finally crossed the street on a green light with complete shock over what we had all just witnessed. Was that text message that this idiot was typing during that brief moment of fate worth her life or even a lifetime of being permanently disabled? What is with some of you people who seem to be more concerned about your electronic conversations with all of your online friends and whatever music youve downloaded that is now playing in your ears than paying attention to who and what is around you when youre walking in the busy downtown and West End areas? Even late this evening I saw another young woman crossing the street while texting away and some shifty-eyed creep was following so close behind her. I stopped to ask him for local directions just to get his attention on something else. The creep could have easily grabbed the woman and taken her purse or something more valuable if I hadnt been there and the texting woman didnt even look up. So, in conclusion if you are addicted to your iPod and texting device and you like to text message and listen to music while walking on your way to and from work/school/wherever, could you please take a moment to stop, look around you and pay attention before you get mowed down by a vehicle or grabbed by some creep in the middle of your online chat? No matter how popular you are or how many Facebook friends you have or however busy you are tweeting/emailing/texting, your life is too valuable to lose. I really dont want to be an innocent bystander who witnesses you do a deadly back flip over the hood of a vehicle with your earphones still attached as your lifeless body hits the ground.


Watching in slow-mo?

Im no expert but having watched on a daily basis from my apartment and after being kept awake at all hours of the night by the reconstruction of the seawall just south of the Inukshuk for months on end Im starting to realize why the completion date is being moved further and further back. Was it part of the planning to dig deep ditches then fill them in only to be dug up again? Or having the big rocks moved against the new wall and then having them moved away again just to be moved back? Same thing with the sewer and water line construction on Beach Ave. Equipment rupturing the water line and seeing workers open up all kinds of man holes nearby trying unsuccessfully to find the water shut off switch? Is any of this being supervised or is this just a city make-work project at the taxpayers expense? Just wondering.