The other day we found ourselves in Starbucks, lulled by the dulcet tones of some vaguely exotic soundtrack and feeling guilty we were weren’t spending our money at the nearby independently owned coffee shop that we normally patronize cuz we like to keep it real, fair trade and artisanal, yo. Actually, we weren’t spending our money at Starbucks either — we were just using up the remainder of a gift card we received for Christmas from our stepmother who thankfully didn’t attempt to buy us clothing.
While standing in line we noticed that Starbucks carries something called Oprah Chai Tea. Billed as Starbucks’ “most spirit-warming chai tea ever, created in collaboration with Oprah Winfrey,” the feel-good product also comes with an added shot of consumer karma: For every two ounces of Oprah Chai Tea — or “OCT,” as the hip, emotionally grounded kids like to call it — Starbucks will donate $1 to the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation.
Did this motivate us to buy an Oprah-endorsed chai latte or even research what the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation does? No, because chai tastes like ass. Chai tea is the beige Dockers slacks of the coffee industry. The missionary position of the beverage world, if you will. Chai tea reveals a weakened spirit in those who order it — those who seek out its comforting, aromatic flavours but lack the boldness and fortitude to ingest a quadruple shot Americano and tell the clerk, “No, I would not like you to make that a misto, thank you very much” before buying every last Brazilian music compilation CD at the till because damn that Caetano Veloso sounds great on the store’s stereo system, doesn’t he? Where were we? Oh yeah, chai. We don’t like it. Caffeine? Looooooooove it. And we still have five bucks left on our gift card. Sweeeet. Until we meet again, Ms. Winfrey.
