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Ask Ellie: Angry, jealous ex unlikely to forgive infidelity

Never trifle with a partner’s pride and certain anger over cheating. Especially if they have a ready weapon

Dear Ellie: My partner has said he’ll never forgive me for my infidelity. He’s repeatedly told me that he hates me, and has threatened to kill me multiple times.

He even pointed a gun toward my head and threatened to shoot. Is this anger warranted because of my cheating?

I’d been cheating throughout the entire course of the relationship until I got caught. I’ve since apologized several times for lying and cheating. However, he continues with murderous behaviour toward me.

What more can I do to stop his threats, besides apologizing?

Boyfriend’s Murderous Threats

Visit your nearest police station to report that your “boyfriend” has been threatening to kill you. At the same time, report that he’s pointed a gun at your head while threatening to shoot.

These are extreme responses for which you need police direction: Ask if you should block this man from phoning/emailing/texting/or visiting you in person. (They’ll likely advise “Yes”).

Also ask police whether they’ll follow up and talk to your boyfriend (unless you firmly believe he’ll carry out his “murderous” threat). Also ask if you should have a lawyer’s letter and one from police, warning of future legal action and possible jail time if he doesn’t stop his threats and behaviour.

Meanwhile, your own careless cheating throughout what you called “a relationship” was deplorable, and led to this frightening situation.

Wherever you got the idea that you could play loose and careless with a relationship “partner’s” pride and emotions, recognize the danger in which you’ve placed yourself.

Stay under this man’s radar and distance from those people with whom you cheated. An angry, jealous ex is unlikely to accept an apology.

Dear Ellie: I’m man who never would’ve foreseen or wanted a divorce. My soon-to-be ex and I were a high-school couple who talked about working at a marriage and a family life with children.

But 10 years after marrying (both then 22) we were far behind the changes in our friends and cousins, as they reached ages half-way through their 30s and onward.

Some separated due to different education/career goals, others attracted to people opposite from their spouses.

Suddenly, my wife announced that she was moving to her original birthplace overseas. She met and married her childhood best friend there two years ago.

Now, I’m a solo parent to two children (13 and 11) whose mother “visits” them here on some holidays or invites them to her overseas home for three weeks of summer. To my surprise, we’re all seeming okay.

My question: I’d like to meet and have a committed relationship I can count on, but I worry whether my children will fear this move and feel insecure with both parents involved with new loves and loyalties.

What’s your advice?

Lonely Father and Dating

Your early family life provided a base for your kids’ security. When their mother left, they’d already seen other kids survive separations. Perhaps her new locale and husband caught their imagination enough to find it acceptable.

Now, with dating on your mind while you’re still parenting adolescents, proceed slowly.

If you have friends whom you trust for a set-up, start with that approach before trying online dating.

Then, read others’ profiles “between the lines,” don’t be naïve, or focus only on physical appearance. Ghosting happens to many on-line daters, so don’t take it personally.

Keep your own values close, and inform your children when you find someone you hope to know better.

Establish a regular time when you go on a date, inform the children ahead, and mention a little about it the next day.

FEEDBACK Regarding “Lost Daughter” (July 25):

Reader- “I was also close to my father, devastated when he died suddenly. We’d loved spending time together, talking about everything, even though I also had a mom, siblings, husband and children.

“Twenty-plus years later, I still miss him.

“About 18 months after his death, I realized that he raised me to be a strong woman and would’ve wanted me to carry on and enjoy my life. He said so when he was alive.

“So, I did my best to enjoy my life and honour his memory. That still gives me comfort, as does the saying, “grief is the price of love.” So, with great love comes great grief.

“The letter-writer’s father would want her to move forward. Recovery will slowly happen. She should ask her dad to help her get through it. He will.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Never trifle with a partner’s pride and certain anger over cheating. Especially if they have a ready weapon.

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