Skip to content
Join our Newsletter
VIA store 300x100
Join our Newsletter

Opinion: 6 better ways climate protesters could make Vancouverites hate them

Some helpful suggestions for a group that has clearly run out of ideas
An Extinction Rebellion Vancouver poster warns people to cancel their plans

Last week the climate action group Extinction Rebellion Vancouver announced that they're launching a two-week-long campaign where they plan to block multiple major bridges, intersections, and highways.

The group is explicitly saying you should "cancel your plans" as they hope to effectively make it a lot harder for you to get around for two weeks.

Oh, and they hope to shut down the airport.

The actions are scheduled to take place between October 16 and 29, and one has to wonder who on this earth that is slowly getting warmer due to human activity thinks that inconveniencing people as they try to go about their daily lives will make those people more sympathetic to a cause. Any cause.

If anything, this type of zany "climate action" aimed at no one and everyone might only further entrench the commonly-held opinion that this group is a gang of misguided mouth breathers who have run out of ideas.

As an act of charity, I would like to help by offering the group some alternative actions other than blocking major arteries and possibly being charged under anti-terrorism laws for attempting to "shut down YVR Airport" as they've claimed they plan to do.

Below are six different ways that Extinction Rebellion might choose to inconvenience the citizens of Vancouver, beyond blocking traffic.

1. An actual kick to the frickin' groin for every resident, including kids

Why not show up at everyone's doorstep and serve up an unsolicited-yet-swift boot to the privates, just for being here? If there are 100 protestors they could easily hit 16,000 groins in eight hours if they each did 20 per hour. If they ran round-the-clock shifts they could hit everyone's groin (even kids') within their 14-day window.

2. Team up with the COVID-19 hoaxers and anti-vaxxers

If anybody knows how to piss off Vancouverites it's these cranks. Whatever the anti-vaxx group is planning next Extinction Rebellion should consider a group dinner at Corduroy Restaurant for a discussion on how they might hitch their wagon to it.

3. Steal catalytic converters

While there's been a raft of catalytic converter thefts from vehicles in recent months, there obviously hasn't been enough to reduce the number of people driving. Why shut down the routes to the airport when you can shut down the actual cars that will be driving to it?

This could also be used as a fundraising initiative as they can be sold for scrap to many junkyards that have a no-questions-asked policy.

4. Go viral, literally 

This one might border on criminal mischief and be a little over the top but protestors might consider a COVID-19 scare campaign. They could walk into crowded spaces without wearing masks, sneezing and coughing on people, making them stressed out enough to miss work and stay home, and consume/drive less. Again, if there are 100 protestors they could quite easily cough on everyone in Vancouver within the span of two weeks, in effect helping save the planet, one anxiety attack at a time.

Taking it one step further they could film it all and post it to social media where people will certainly share it.

5. Hack the r/Vancouver subreddit

It's not exactly taking down Facebook, but people are quite attached to the r/Vancouver subreddit and the ritual of checking it all day every day. If they could figure out how to take it out of commission for even six hours they would inconvenience no less than 79% of males under 40 in Vancouver. That group would in turn pass massive amounts of stress on to their wider peer group and anyone they interact with, ultimately hitting the entire city with stress that few would know the original source of.

6. Phone people up and tell them why they're losers

Without having to leave their homes, protestors could dial every phone number with a 778 or 604 area code and blurt personal insults into the phone. Some suggested insults:

[in a yelly voice] "YOU are the problem and your mother hates you! You were a mistake!" [click]

[heavy breathing followed by a menacing whisper] "Greta Thunberg thinks you suck." [very long pause, then a click]

[yelling, again] "Recycle more and vote, ya dumb b**ch!" [click]