While school kids are handing out Valentine’s cards and adults are calculating the exertion required to avoid disappointing partners, it’s interesting to note that there is a whole swath of society for whom courting rituals still reflect a more traditional approach.
Sure, anyone can get in on the fun of roses and heart-shaped chocolate, cut-out Cupids and cinnamon candies. But marriage-minded young adults of various cultures in Vancouver more often than you might think fall back on what are loosely defined as “arranged marriages.”
The term is problematic because it covers a huge swath of practices. This was a topic of discussion between Muslim and Jewish students at UBC last month, who together watched a screening of the film Arranged and then discussed the ideas it raises. The film is a sweet drama of an Orthodox Jewish woman and a traditional Muslim woman, both public school teachers in New York, who become friends and find the similarities in their lives outweigh the differences.
The movie has the qualities of an ABC Afterschool Special, but it served its purpose in getting the audience talking. An interesting aspect of the film is the two rookie teachers standing up to the older principal, an apparently secular Jewish woman who is a veteran of the feminist movement. The principal’s condescending attitude to the younger women’s adherence to tradition was believable, amusing and a bit infuriating.
Both the women in the film are seeking a husband and suffer particular pressures from their families, including, in one case, the need to marry off the older daughter so as not to hold up the prospects of the younger sisters (and brides-to-be) coming up.
Jewish and Muslim panelists after the film stressed that the term “arranged” marriage is entirely different from “forced” marriage, noting that, as in the film, women in arranged marriages are not forced to marry without their consent.
In the film, the Jewish family consulted a shadchen, a matchmaker, who leafed through her catalogue of eligible young men. In the Muslim case, the family plumbed connections in a less formal way. One of the notable requirements by prospective brides and their families — Muslim and Jewish — was education and a good job, a reality attested to humourously by some students during the discussion.
(“What makes an eligible bachelor?” Answer: “An engineering degree.”)
While there are online matchmaking sites for just Muslims and just Jews and just about anyone else, the message from the film and some of the post-screening conversation suggests LinkedIn is a more legitimate matchmaking destination for many than MeetMuslimSingles.com or Jdate.
Dr. Abdel Azim Zumrawi, the Muslim chaplain at UBC, stresses that there is no single Muslim tradition around this topic and that customs
[email protected] greatly by religious stream, language, place and family.
In the contemporary world, it is acceptable and common for young Muslims to date, he says, but it must be done with the full knowledge of the family. Mutual friends may arrange set-ups, he adds, but this is not a happy-go-lucky scene.
“Courtship only happens if it’s for the intention of marriage,” Zumrawi says.
Rabbi Chalom Loeub and his wife Esti spoke as a Jewish couple whose marriage was a result of a fairly traditional arrangement. They participated in what would have appeared to outsiders as conventional dates, but the intention from the first interaction was exclusively to determine whether this was a pairing suitable for marriage.
“She knows why you’re there. You know why you’re there,” says the rabbi. By the second or third date, you know if you’re a fit. In their case, they had six or seven dates before becoming engaged. Long engagements are not encouraged after a couple deems the match good.
Arranged marriages, in traditional Jewish and Muslim families, among others, are an indication that, despite all the integration into Canadian society, differences still remain strong around accommodating ideas of individual happiness with familial, community or collective well-being and continuity.
To some, though, the idea of arranged marriages must still sound odd. But consider the other extreme.
Valentine’s Day exemplifies the idea that a chubby angel with a bow and arrow might randomly shoot love into the heart of a soul mate. Given the arbitrariness of that approach, the idea of having family and friends vet a potential life partner seems somehow less backward.
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