Fifty Shades of Grey
Starring Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson
Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson
The bestselling worldwide phenomenon finally hits the big screen and the results couldn't be more bland.
The "story" is as basic as they come – young mogul Christian Grey (Dornan) seduces socially awkward college virgin Anastasia Steele (Johnson) and opens her horizons, so to speak, exposing her to the kinky world of sexual domination and submission.
For a film that promises the hottest on-screen sex of the year, the movie takes forever to get to the goods. We're forced to sit through endless prattle masked as character development and pointless manufactured tension.
When the sex finally does begin, it's average R-rated fare that is instantly forgettable.
Individually, Dornan and Johnson are formidable actors but casting them in a film that demands dripping sexual chemistry is the movie's biggest blunder. Their interactions are painfully forced and it's genuinely laughable that the pair would make an ideal match in the bedroom.
Of course, there are a few bright spots. The first half of Fifty Shades of Grey does have some amusing comedy, but it's difficult to decipher whether the jokes are intentional or the script's ridiculous dialogue is just so hilariously bad.
Vancouver (doubling as Seattle) is also showcased beautifully in many scenes.
In the end, there is practically nothing compelling enough to justify this as a feature film and it's downright embarrassing for a screenplay to actually be worse than the horrible source material.
Though it's sure to rake it in at the box office, you're better off sticking with 9½ Weeks.
