Jupiter Ascending
Starring Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis
Directed by The Wachowskis
Call it a cosmic conundrum. On the one hand, you’ve got to credit the ambitious directing duo of Andy and Lana Wachowski for attempting a grand scale sci-fi epic that isn’t a sequel or based on an existing franchise. On the flip side, they’ve managed to craft something so derivative and laughably wacky in Jupiter Ascending that it’s instantly forgettable.
Bored with her humdrum life of cleaning toilets with her overbearing Russian mother, Jupiter Jones (Kunis) turns out to possess a unique genetic signature that makes her the sole heir to, you guessed it, planet earth. This makes her a valuable target for a positively awful Eddie Redmayne, (up for an Oscar this year in The Theory of Everything) who mostly speaks in malicious whispers and threatens to harvest the entire planet before he lets her take control of it.
Channing Tatum, who happens to be part dog, miraculously saves Jupiter, promptly whisks her off terra firma and the chase is on. The rest of the plot is so convoluted it’s not worth mentioning but Sean Bean, who is part-bee, shows up and there are some vaguely amusing flying dinosaurs that talk like gruff British professors.
To be fair, Jupiter Ascending does feature plenty of spectacular effects and chase sequences, some stunning costume design and a rousing musical score from Michael Giacchino. Sadly, these bright spots can’t transform this bloated mess into something original and the future of the once exciting directing duo looks in desperate need of a reboot.
