Dear Mr. Claus,
The Harper Government of Canada has learned of your intention to pilot an unlicensed, unconventional aircraft over Canadian territory in the early morning of Dec. 25, 2014.
Please be advised the Department of National Defence is highly sensitive to the appearance of bearded males on low-flying trajectories in controlled airspace. The Royal Canadian Air force is on high alert, and the Prime Minister will interpret any southbound aerial activity by you or your representatives as an aggressive act threatening Canada’s national security, as well as a flagrant attempt to co-opt the birthday of Baby Jesus.
Also, reindeers are not allowed in, on, or off air transport (as livestock or magical flying mammals) without testing negatively for hoof-and-mouth disease by Agriculture Canada inspectors.
On multiple occasions you have publicly expressed a seasonal desire to break into Canadian homes and leave “gifts” behind for children, bypassing federal shipping rates for posted materials. In response, the Office of Public Safety has sent out a communique warning homeowners of possible criminal activity on Christmas morning.
Homeowners have been notified of your inventive approach to home invasions, and advised to block or seal up fireplaces by appropriate means. They have also been instructed that any attempts to leave out spoilable foodstuffs for your overnight consumption may be in violation of the Canadian Health Act.
Parents have been alerted to the possible appearance of Kringle-radicalized youth at their bedsides as early as 5 a.m., Dec. 25.
While The Harper Government has reliable intelligence on your scheduled rooftop terror, it has failed to determine your primary place of residence (your mailing address is given as “The North Pole”). However, we are in possession of facsimiles of Canadian children’s letters to “Santa” and their mysterious responses. Federal graphology consultants have found the latter communications to vary substantially in style, from cursive to block lettering. We have reason to believe you maintain a network of homegrown transcribers within Canada Post, a matter the government security apparatus takes very seriously indeed.
Your appropriation of the legendary “St. Nicholas/St. Nick” as one of your many aliases may encourage Canadians to misinterpret Santa Claus as a fictitious character, but this gambit will not succeed with CSIS, the RCMP or the PMO. To paraphrase Kevin Spacey’s character Verbal in
The Usual Suspects, “the greatest trick Santa ever pulled was convincing adults he doesn’t exist.”
Regardless of your public image as a grossly obese yet nonexistent senior, your failure to maintain a fixed, real-world identity in public records constitutes international wire fraud and may result in a warrant for your arrest by Interpol.
Also, be advised that the collection and storage of personal information on Canadians is the jurisdiction of the Office of Public Safety and the multilateral agreement for cooperation in signals intelligence between the United Kingdom, the United States, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand.
The Harper Government of Canada and our national allies work diligently and legally to determine which citizens are “naughty” or “nice.” In contrast, any surveillance activities conducted on Canadian soil by foreign aliens unauthorized by local law enforcement or the Anglo-American “Five Eyes” security arrangement are indictable offences under The Public Safety Act.
Finally, our records indicate “Santa’s Toy Shop” is not your primary residence in the northern hemisphere, and is leased in your wife’s name.
This habitation is located on territory disputed by the U.S., Russian, Canadian, and Danish governments. However, any effort to exploit diplomatic differences over a geopolitical flashpoint will not work in your favour.
You have until 1 p.m., Dec. 22 (East Coast time) to disassemble your “Toy Shop” and remove all equipment and vehicles, as confirmed by satellite reconnaissance imagery. Failure to fully cooperate will result in a pre-dawn vertical insertion and airstrike by the Joint Strike Task Force 2, resulting in the permanent elimination of your elf training camp.
Also, please be advised that Transport Canada has reminded domestic border agents that your name and various aliases are recorded on the U.S. Homeland Security no-fly list.
Best of the season,
Steven Blarney
Minister of Public Safety
The Harper Government of Canada
Ottawa, Canada
geoffolson.com
