We all know that Vancouver beaches are little more than cesspools of vice and crime — with a hint of Hawaiian Tropics and Axe body spray floating on the surface. So it’s always reassuring to see our men and women in blue patrolling the sandy shores of sin on their ATVs and keeping a watchful eye on our irresponsible drinking, smoking and dog walking habits. Seriously, we cannot be trusted.
Which is why we couldn’t be more pleased to learn that RCMP officers plan to erect a tent at Wreck Beach, starting this weekend. Although pitching a tent is nothing new at Vancouver’s only nude beach (you’re welcome for that, by the way), the plan is not going over well with beach regulars who bristle at the overreaching reach around of the law. (Once again, we should give props to the Province’s headline writers who came up with “Wreck Beach prepares for the full mountie” for their fleshed out exposé on this topic.)
Now some of you are probably saying to yourself, why does there need to be a police presence at Wreck Beach anyway? If everyone’s naked, surely they can’t be hiding anything.
Well, that’s exactly what the criminal element wants you to think.
Admittedly, the beach bums at K&K haven’t been to Wreck Beach in years, due in part to our aversion to kelp and some unfortunate scarring on our body after we spilled a bowl of piping hot macaroni and cheese on ourselves while taking a bubble bath. But during our last visit, we can honestly say we witnessed more body hair crimes and fleshy atrocities than anyone should endure in a lifetime. To say nothing of all the off-leash miniature Shar Peis bouncing around uncontrollably mere feet from our head.
At least we think they were Shar Peis.
All of this raises an important question, what should RCMP officers wear at a nude beach? Some might argue just a holster and billy club would suffice. Or perhaps a thin coating of body paint made to look like a uniform. But if the RCMP really want to infiltrate the seedy undercarriage of Wreck Beach, we say they need to assimilate as much as possible — take it off and let it all hang out, frolic in the foamy surf, get sand in uncomfortable places and burn their buns like pairs of golden brown pizza pockets.
It’s a small price to pay for justice and the comfort of knowing that everyone at Wreck Beach will finally be safe, especially from themselves.
