PETER PIPELINE VS. CAPTAIN HOOKAH
Script for proposed 10-minute TV spot promoting Northern Gateway
From high above, we descend to the rooftops of a charming B.C. town. Seen from the window of a second-story bedroom, a blonde-haired girl tosses and turns in her sleep. A montage of troubling images form above her head: aboriginal people drumming, protesters protesting, and a father looking mournfully into an empty wallet as urchins cringe at his feet. Waking up, the girl sees a silhouette framed by the open bedroom window. The young man is wearing green leotards and a peaked cap. He has the Enbridge logo on his chest and looks sassy, but not in a gay way.
PETER PIPELINE: Wendy! Its me, Peter Pipeline! Do you want to go on a field trip together?
WENDY (smiling and rubbing her eyes): Yes! Just let me get Grizzly! (reaches for her teddy bear.)
Holding hands, they leap off the window ledge together. After circling the towns clock tower, the airborne pair burst through the clouds and fly toward Kitimat.
PETER PIPELINE (pointing to the inlet below): This is a new era for B.C., Wendy. Jobs plus environmental sustainability! Down there is the port where we will be safely shipping oil to our friends in China. (Note to CGI production team: leave the islands in this time, but make them smaller and widen the channels.)
Suddenly there is a flash of light from below and a puff of smoke. A cannonball narrowly misses the pair, sending them into a tailspin. As they plummet downward, a ship emblazoned with the Greenpeace logo appears. The crew, a scruffy group of protester/pirates, pulls the drenched pair onto the deck where they are confronted by a swarthy hippie/buccaneer. His right arm ends in a hook, and he is holding a funny cigarette in his left hand. There is a small American flag brooch on his lapel.
CAPTAIN HOOKAH (inhaling deeply from his funny cigarette): Looks like its the war of 1812 all over again, huh, Peter? Tie them up, men!
PETER PIPELINE: You cannot win this war with funding from radical environmental groups from the U.S., Hookah! British Columbians will see through your smokescreen!
CAPTAIN HOOKAH (sneering): Dont count on it! We will derail the provincial economy through unwarranted public fears of eco-catastrophe! (Hookahs henchmen giggle sadistically. They are holding placards reading Peace Pipes Not Oil Pipes, Down With Progress, and Freedom Sucks.)
Suddenly a green fairy flies into the scene, leaving a shower of currency in her wake (note to production: make Tanker Bell resemble a young Ayn Rand). Hundred dollar bills flutter down to the deck as the pirate-protesters chase after gold coins rolling around on the deck.
TANKER BELL (laughing): Surrender, Captain Hookah! Even the coldest hearts can be warmed by a share of oil revenue!
CAPTAIN HOOKAH (in horror): Not the free market! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Hookah starts to sob and babble about class war and petrodollar hegemony. Peter puts a sympathetic arm around the militant hippies convulsing shoulder. Little Wendy runs up and hugs one of his legs. The crew looks up in stunned amazement at this turn of events.
WENDY: We forgive you, Captain Hookah. And your Lost Boys, too.
PIRATE-PROTESTOR-LOST BOYS (in unison): Awwwwwwwwww.
PETER PIPELINE: Youve all been addicted to anti-business rhetoric for too long, gentlemen. But the clock is ticking, and your time is up.
Theres a muffled sound of ringing. Peter and Wendy look over the ships handrails just in time to see a crocodile upchuck an alarm clock onto the deck. Everyone laughs. Suddenly a foghorn sounds, and the crew is startled to see a huge supertanker nearby. Holding hands with Peter and Wendy the group flies upward, abandoning the shabby Greenpeace vessel for the gleaming supertanker, which has Alison written on its side.
TANKER BELL (to no one in particular): Oils well that ends well!
The camera zooms up and away from Kitimat, until we see Earth floating jewel-like in space. The Enbridge logo swooshes into view, and we zoom out further until we see its all a gleam in the button eye of Grizzly, Wendys teddy bear. Grizzly winks and smiles. THE END.
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