Over the next few weeks, you might notice a high level of excitement and jubilation filling the streets, pubs and coffee shops of Vancouver that has nothing to do with bow-hunter and underachieving Canucks forward David Booth getting bought out of his hefty NHL contract. The culprit, in fact, is the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Not only is it the biggest sporting event in the world, the World Cup is one of those rare times where local nacho-bloated sports fans get to experience a sense of culture and global awareness — when else are they going to acknowledge the existence of Ghana or watch a team from Algeria do anything?
But before you grease up your belly with body paint or drape the Turkish flag around your neck like a cape and run down the streets yelling “Attica! Attica!” — after all that’s a reference to a 1975 Al Pacino movie that has nothing to do with soccer or Turkey — pay attention to K&K’s carefully compiled Dos and Don’ts when watching the World Cup. Good luck.
DO refer to soccer as football, even though it can seem a little pretentious in certain circles. It’s what the rest of the world calls it, and it makes more sense to call it football than whatever it is the B.C. Lions play. Perhaps the Lions could call their sport “organized disappointment.”
DON’T cheer for Ireland. It doesn’t have a team in this year’s World Cup and you will look like a putz.
DON’T use a vuvuzela. The plastic horn and the ear-curdling monotone note it emits became a symbol of South African football, particularly when the country hosted the 2010 World Cup. But this year’s World Cup is not in South Africa, and the sound is annoying.
DO marvel at Germany’s precise and efficient movement of the ball.
DON’T associate Germany’s precise and efficient movement of the ball with the country’s Nazi past. It’s hackneyed, although probably somewhat accurate.
DO sleep with a Brazilian. They’ll likely be in a celebratory mood and you can chalk it up to a “cultural exchange.”
DON’T get a “Brazilian” wax just because that country is hosting the World Cup. Get one because you’ve bought into society’s increasingly porn-a-fied view of beauty and you are ashamed/terrified of your pubic hair.
DO go to an Italian coffee shop on Commercial Drive when Italy is playing.
DON’T go to Starbuck’s on the Drive when Italy is playing, unless you’re buying a Norah Jones CD and something covered in whip cream.
DO watch on YouTube comedian John Oliver’s brilliant and funny takedown of FIFA and its highly questionable tactics and how it perfectly illustrates “the sausage principle,” where if you love something, never find out how it’s made.
DON’T say things like “That was a cheeky play” when someone makes a nice pass. We all know you heard that while playing EA Sports FIFA Soccer.
DO remember to watch the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup next year. Not only is Canada hosting the tournament, but unlike with the men’s team Canada actually is competing, and they’re pretty darn good.
