We realize the window for making New Year’s resolutions is closing and, frankly, a little tired. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set some achievable goals for ourselves in 2014. For too long K&K has led an aimless, spiritually nomadic life. Our mojo has wandered. Our inner child has become a statue. The wind beneath our wings is now a resigned sigh. So here’s what we’re setting out to accomplish this year before all is lost.
• We’re no longer going to eat cereal out of a cup. For decades we’ve done this to deceive ourselves into thinking that eating cereal while watching The National is somehow inconsequential and merely a tiny snack that’s not really even a snack because it comes in a cup. But there is no bigger lie than eating cereal from a cup and mark our carb-addicted words, it stops today.
• We’re going to make a concerted effort to stop using the word “retarded” even though deep down we believe we’ve had many meaningful and convincing discussions at parties sufficiently explaining why the term (as we use it) is in no way offensive and meant strictly to apply to government policies on climate change, cellphone bills and episodes of New Girl. But that will stop today.
• We will not buy anything at Winners that we wouldn’t buy at another store for full price. For too long we’ve settled for poorer fitting clothes that weren’t exactly the most becoming because it saved us a few bucks. In short, we didn’t respect ourselves or the people who had to look at us enough to pay full price for something we truly wanted. We’re sorry, and that will end.
• We will no longer channel surf as a means of making ourselves sleepy. That’s what alcohol, smooth jazz and The Brothers Karamazov is for.
• Cheese and pickles are not a meal. Sorry, delicious plate of cheese and pickles, but our codependent relationship is over. Probably.
• Bragging about how we no longer drink Slurpees is no longer a brag-worthy accomplishment. We need to realize that most people did not have a Slurpee-a-day habit between 1998 and 2003, and finally slaying the so-called “Slurpee dragon,” while commendable, is not something to be proud of, let alone mentioned every few weeks.
• Less talking, more rocking.
