We all know at least one girl or guy that never believes the good and asserts that certainty lies within the bad. We’ve created categories such as pessimists, cynical and even low self-esteem to describe the paradigm of these individuals. For a while, there was a huge focus on creating healthy self-esteem in schools. Studies correlated self-esteem to better adjustment in all areas of a person’s life leading to a higher success rate for individuals.
Schools began to campaign against bullying and urged everyone to consider the effects of bullying which can be deadly in some cases. Is it really as simple as everyone saying nice things to you that promote a high self-esteem? After all, it’s a common occurrence that we often choose to believe the bad things that people say about us.
We can’t go through life expecting everyone to like us and immediately call someone a bully when they say something we don’t like. In reality, the most destructive part of bullying is conflict, especially when it causes stress in forming social relationships. Conflict is the key source of maladjustment and it takes both internal and social paradigm shifts to battle this issue.
Some people are simply able to brush things off while others ruminate about the truth behind each statement made. We have to set realistic expectations for our children and ensure that they have a support system that will encourage but also help them learn how to accept critique as areas of improvement. The area in need of improvement does not define who you are as a person.
The truth is the world is how we see it. We constantly filter what we choose to accept and what we don’t. If we simply accepted everything it would probably look like some form of internal mass chaos. If you continue to see the glass as half empty, the kinds of comments you chose to internalize will always be the ones that validate your sense of self. In these cases, we are emotional masochists.
Women are great at putting themselves down when it comes to how they look. I’m convinced that women will probably think of 10 things they hate about what they see in the mirror before they conjure one thing they like. Some have argued that culture has a huge part in what we choose to focus on. In western cultures, we’re taught to believe that indulging in the positive things is seen as bragging or narcissistic. Keep in mind that both these terms are used to describe extremes. The key is to be aware of your weaknesses but feed the positive.
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
