Besides the first day of spring and the latest topless protest video Charlie Smith posts on the Georgia Straight’s website, few things get our bellies jiggling in anticipation as much as the yearly arrival and subsequent shame of Girl Scout Cookies. But our bellies are also decidedly old school, so we were not exactly stoked when North America’s petulant scarf-wearing cookie pushers announced Monday that they had three new flavours up their doughy sleeves for 2015.
As part of K&K’s tireless effort to speak truth to power, here’s what you need to know about the new Girl Scout cookies before you blindly support this irresponsible flight of fancy.
Toffee-tastic
First off, horrible name. Are you just going to make up words now, Girl Scouts? And since when has toffee ever been considered “fantastic.” Perhaps in Dickensian England, but not in the 21st century. Toffee-meh, more like it. Or even Toffee-super-annoying-cuz-it-keeps-getting-caught-in-my-braces-that-my-stupid-mom-made-me-get-cuz-she-wants-to-ruin-my-life. On top of that, the bits of toffee are delivered in a butter cookie. What the heck is a butter cookie, anyway? Oh yeah, it’ll be your nickname after you eat a few boxes of these abominations.
Trios
What’s more annoying than a peanut butter and chocolate chip cookie that makes the bold claim of also containing “whole grain oats”? A peanut butter, chocolate chip, whole grain oat cookie that also caters to the increasingly insufferable group of eaters who insist on going gluten-free. Here’s a Trio of words for you, Girl Scouts. Suck it up. Cookies are a treat, not some all-inclusive exercise in eating. Give us gluten, or give us death… or at least uncomfortable and sometimes embarrassing digestion problems if you have the misfortune of being celiac.
Rah-Rah Raisins
Seriously... rah rah? Is there anyone on this planet besides starving people and drooling two-year-olds who’ve ever been the least bit excited about the prospect of shoving raisins in their mouths? And that’s not the worst of it. These oatmeal raisin bland-strosities for some reason include Greek yogurt-flavoured chunks. If there are four words more disturbing than “Greek yogurt-flavoured chunks,” we’d like to know. Surprise, surprise, they’re also gluten-free. Maybe next year the Girl Scouts can pander to even more dietary trends and release a vegan cookie, a craft beer flavoured cookie and a Paleo diet-friendly cookie, which would probably just be a piece of elk meat. Seriously, can’t we just stick to the tried and true chocolate and vanilla Girl Scout Cookies? And don’t get us started on those blights on the cookie landscape known as Thin Mints. If we wanted to taste mint in our cookies we’d make out with a leprechaun. Which we only did once because we were drunk and it was St. Patrick’s Day, so shut the hell up.
