How do we raise our sons to be honourable young men in a hypersexualized world where all forms of porn are at their fingertips? I'm not the first person to ask this question given the growing number of cases where teenage boys sexually assault a drunken female victim, take photos of their despicable acts and post them online. The latest horror story - if you haven't been paying attention - is that of 17-yearold Nova Scotian Rehtaeh Parsons, who killed herself two years after she was allegedly raped by four boys, relentlessly bullied afterward, called a slut and propositioned by boys she'd never met based on her false reputation, her mother reported. Despite someone taking a photo of the assault, circulating it via email and social media and Parsons courageously coming forward, the Crown decided there was not enough evidence to press charges. Parsons took her life April 7.
As sickening as all this is, what makes it even more unsettling is that those who saw the photo didn't feel compelled to come forward - girls included. "I don't think anyone knew it was that bad," a female acquaintance of Parsons told Toronto Star reporter Wendy Gillis.
For an equally horrifying story that takes the degradation of a girl to new lows, rewind to last year's Steubenville, Ohio rape case. A self-proclaimed "rape crew" publicized its actions using social media. The trial judge described their actions as "profane and ugly." On March 17, two boys were convicted of rape. The case was controversial because some journalists sympathized with the accused, concerned these two young men might not get the promising futures they deserve. (Do any of these boys have sisters? Did any of the teens filming the humiliation think to dial 911? )
I filter these stories through the prism of parenthood. I am a mother to a girl and a boy, who are still a few years away from their teen years. One day, I know my children will attend parties where booze and drugs will flow and bad things might happen. What will they do? My worries are hardly alleviated when I hear tales of Grade 12 male students at our local high school preying on Grade 8 "LG" students. (LG is an urban slang term for "little girls" 13 or 14 years old who try to dress and appear as if they are older.)
My fantasy is my daughter will be a teenage feminist superhero, who will defend those in danger of being assaulted whether it's schoolyard bullies or hormonally charged teenage boys whose moral compass has irrevocably been altered by the pornification of our society. Same goes for my son, who will stand up to his peer-pressuring male friends, intervene when someone is being victimized and always do the honourable thing.
My hope is my very shy daughter will avoid drinking altogether and call us if she is ever in a bad situation. For my rambunctious boy, I expect more. Why? Because boys and men do more awful things to girls and women than girls do to boys. Boys need to pressure other boys to do the right thing since they're more inclined to listen to each other. They also need to understand what consent means. Being unconscious is not consent.
I'd like to think my children will always have a sense of compassion. While my kids regularly squabble, I've never witnessed them being deliberately mean to others. May this continue. (They know they will face the wrath of mum and dad if they step out of line.) I'm far from a perfect mother, but my approach to parenting is simple - I love, I respect, I lead by example and I follow up bad actions with consequences. And I ask parents of teens lots of questions.
More teens need to speak up when they come across the humiliation of their peers. They need to speak up the second they hear demeaning language. In Steubenville, Ohio, they are. Since the widely reported rape case, teens in a group called Youth 360, launched by the Cleveland Rape Crisis Centre, are not staying silent any more. A 17-year-old boy told a columnist for Ohio's Plain Dealer newspaper he is an "upstander," someone who knows how to draw the line and stand up when a person is being wronged. A 14-year-old girl told the paper: "The reason I'm involved is because it's so common now. In movies, rape and sexual violence can be taken lightly. I don't think it's something that should be joked about."
Vancouver's Red Hood Project wants to go further. It's calling on industry and government to act immediately to protect children from online exploitation. "This issue goes far beyond the criminal prosecution of teenagers," says Red Hood co-founder Sandy Garossino, who ran for city council in 2011. "Social media and smartphones are proliferating exponentially and industry hasn't prioritized child safety. That's got to change. Graphic images of Rehtaeh's victimization were posted to Facebook, a $66 billion company. Facebook has the capacity to develop world-leading technology and hire tens of thousands of employees to actively control its site and protect children. Instead, it relies on a model of volunteer reporting of offensive material already posted, which is too late for kids like Rehtaeh Parsons and Amanda Todd."
Raising children in the digital age is not what parenting was like 40 years ago. Proof can be found in our children's expanding waistlines. But how is it affecting attitudes toward girls and women? Before, it used to be a boy sneaking peeks of his dad's Playboy or Penthouse magazines but that is hardly the equivalent of teenagers watching hardcore porn that can be downloaded in seconds onto a computer or smartphone. That teenage boys are filming their criminal deeds is simply the equivalent of marking the proverbial notch on a belt.
How do we fix this? Anyone who has influence over a child - industry included - has a role to play, which means we all do. Shouldn't we all be "upstanders"? [email protected]
