How do we raise our sons to be honourable young men in a hypersexualized world where all forms of porn are at their fingertips?
Im hardly the first person to ask this question given the growing number of cases where teenage boys sexually assault a drunken female victim, take photos of their despicable acts and post them online. The latest horror story if you havent been paying attention is that of 17-year-old Nova Scotian Rehtaeh Parsons, who killed herself two years after she was allegedly raped by four boys, relentlessly bullied afterward, called a slut and propositioned by boys shed never met based on her false reputation, her mother reported. Despite someone taking a photo of the assault, circulating it via email and social media and Parsons courageously coming forward, the Crown decided there was not enough evidence to press charges.
Parsons took her life April 7.
(How parents hold back from seeking revenge on behalf of their victimized daughters is testament to an inner strength and self-control Im not sure I have.)
As sickening as all this is, what makes it even more unsettling is that those who saw the photo didnt feel compelled to come forward girls included.
I dont think anyone knew it was that bad, a female acquaintance of Parsons told Toronto Star reporter Wendy Gillis.
For an equally horrifying story that takes the degradation of a girl to new lows, rewind to last years Steubenville, Ohio rape case. A self-proclaimed rape crew publicized their actions using social media. Google the details if you have to (warning: its disturbing beyond words) but know that a judge described the teenage boys photos, YouTube videos and texts as profane and ugly. On March 17, 2013, two boys were convicted of rape after a trial judge found they had used their fingers to penetrate the victims vagina. The case was controversial because some journalists sympathized with the accused, concerned these two young men might not get the promising futures they deserve. In what world is parading an unconscious girl around to party after party a case of boys just being boys? It wasnt right when the Vikings raped and pillaged their way around Europe 1,000 years ago when brute force ruled and its certainly not right in the 21st century.
Do any of these boys have sisters? Did any of the teens filming the atrocity on their smartphones think to call 911 instead?
I filter these stories through the prism of parenthood. I am a mother to a girl and a boy, who are still a few years away from their teen years. One day, I know my children will attend parties where booze and drugs will flow and bad things might happen. What will they do? My worries are hardly alleviated when I hear tales of Grade 12 male students at our local high school preying on Grade 8 LG students. (LG is an urban slang term for little girls 13 or 14 years old who try to dress and appear as if they are older.)
My fantasy is my daughter will be a teenage feminist superhero, who will vigorously defend those around her who are in danger of being assaulted whether its schoolyard bullies or hormonally charged teenage boys whose moral compass has irrevocably been altered by the pornification of our society. Same goes for my son, who will stand up to his peer-pressuring male friends, intervene when someone is being victimized and always do the honourable thing.
My hope is, of course, that my daughter will be smart enough to avoid drinking altogether and call us if she feels a party has gotten out of hand. For my boy, I expect more. Why? Because boys and men do more awful things to girls and women than girls do to boys. Boys need to pressure other boys to do the right thing. Theyre more inclined to listen to other men than women anyway. Its just the way the sexes work.
I would like to think my children will always have a profound sense of compassion. While my kids regularly engage in sibling squabbles that can drive me batty, Ive never witnessed them being deliberately mean to others. May this continue. (They know who they will face if they step out of line mum and dad. And we can be pretty scary.)
My approach to parenting is simple I love, I respect, I lead by example and I follow up bad actions with consequences.
More teens need to speak up when they come across stories and photos of the rape and humiliation of their peers. They need to speak up the second they hear demeaning language. In Steubenville, Ohio, they are. Since the widely reported rape case, teens in a group called Youth 360, launched by the Cleveland Rape Crisis Centre, are not staying silent any more.
A 17-year-old boy told a columnist for Ohios Plain Dealer newspaper he is an "upstander," someone who knows how to draw the line and stand up when a person is being wronged.
A 14-year-old girl told the paper: The reason I'm involved is because it's so common now. In movies, rape and sexual violence can be taken lightly. I don't think it's something that should be joked about.
Locally, a group called the Red Hood Project wants to go further. Its calling on industry and government to act immediately to protect children from online exploitation. This issue goes far beyond the criminal prosecution of teenagers, says Red Hood co-founder Sandy Garossino, who ran for city council in 2011. Social media and smartphones are proliferating exponentially and industry hasnt prioritized child safety. Thats got to change. Graphic images of Rehtaehs victimization were posted to Facebook, a $66 billion company. Facebook has the capacity to develop world-leading technology and hire tens of thousands of employees to actively control its site and protect children. Instead, it relies on a model of volunteer reporting of offensive material already posted, which is too late for kids like Rehtaeh Parsons and Amanda Todd.
(Werent images of women breastfeeding too risqué for Facebook, and yet it lets graphic, criminal images get by?)
Raising children in the digital age is not what parenting was like 40 years ago. Proof can be found in our childrens expanding waistlines. But how is it affecting attitudes toward girls and women? We all know what child pornographers are doing with digital technology. Before, it used to be a boy sneaking peeks of his dads Playboy or Penthouse magazines but that is hardly the equivalent of watching hardcore porn that can be downloaded in seconds onto a computer or smartphone. That teenage boys are filming their ugly deeds is simply the equivalent of marking the proverbial notch on a belt. Until they get caught.
How do we fix this? Anyone and that includes industry who has influence over a child has a role to play, which means we all do. Shouldnt we all be upstanders?
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