T he VanPacRim Courier, 2275: Archaeologists recently unearthed a cache of memory sticks from a 21st century site in Ottawa. In an exclusive to this noosphere-paper, we present scripture from "The Greatest Tory Ever Told," the sacred e-book of paleocon-servatism, the state religion.
FISCAL GENESIS 1.1 In the beginning was The Almighty Buck. Yet the New World was without form or formal business contracts. In the absence of perfectly efficient markets, indigenous people did unsustainable things like trade
their firstborn for button blankets and moose-antler shelving units. Verily, they didn't have a clue without the Buck to assign values to things.
1.2 It came to pass that white people in starched collars and buckled shoes arrived in the New World bearing promissory notes, bills of exchange and mercantile script. But the indigenous people mistook the money for leaves and pounded it into a pemmican-mixed paste. The authorities had no choice but to separate the malnourished tribal children from their parents and stick them into residential schools, where pious men instructed them in reading, writing and oaths of silence.
1.3 Yea, purveyors of the Almighty Buck looked upon Canada's abundance and saw that it was Good. Gleaming schools of fish leapt merrily into fishermen's' nets. Towering trees leaned eagerly into loggers' chainsaws. Guided by The Invisible Hand of the market, The Almighty Buck began to exercise its grace. Wise men from the east cleaved unto trade agreements that ensured commodities traders in Washington, London and other fleshpots would keep winning, in the manner of Jimmy the Greek or Charlie the Sheen.
THE STRIFE OF BRIAN 6.4 After the defeat of Brian the Lantern-Jawed and the anointing of Jean the Sentence Slayer as king, the Progressive Conservative Pharisees wandered the political wilderness like concussed hockey players. A simple carpenter named Preston the Reformer saw the darkening clouds on the horizon and gathered up his tools. He built a huge ark into which he put two of every kind of creature begat by his Reform Party: sun-baked prairie farmers, snowmobile-riding speculators, polyester-wearing housewives, reactionary Albertan economists and Tory apostates.
6.5 In time the Reform ark ran aground, and Manning's disciple Stephen the Good hammered the wreckage together into a new ark, called The Alliance. After an extensive period of naval gazing, this unwieldy vessel was spot-welded to the newly rebranded Conservative Party, with Stephen at its helm. Yea, the Almighty Dollar looked down upon the ship of state and saw that it was Damn Fine for the investment class. And verily, David the Frum wet himself in joyousness.
THE BOOK OF EZRA LEVANT 1.1 It came to pass there was a great disaster at the heart of Empire, with temples collapsing from an attack of airborne heathen. A furious, burning Bush spake unto Jean the Sentence Slayer, demanding he join Operation Enduring Freedom. "General Dynamics and Raytheon have a whole lot of new stuff to test out, and I need thy help in pounding evil-doers into the dust," Bush junior explained.
1.2 Jean agreed, but refused to join a crusade against Babylon called Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL). "Where was dis evidence of da weapons of mass destruction?" he later asked Bush the Shrub. "We're talking about a desert," exclaimed the C-minus Yalie. " Hast thou never ever heard of a mirage, smart guy?!" THE BOOK OF BITUMEN 3.1 And verily, things were looking up in The Garden of Edmonton, with its massive reserves of sacred bitumen. A prayer moved across Albertan lips like wind rustling through prairie wheat: "Oh, great hydrocarbon compounds, we give thanks for thy abundance. Thou art dark and viscous, yet can appear light and gaseous. What part of the nation's surface should be ravished next for thee?"
3.13 With much coaxing from pressurized, superheated water, the oil oozed from sand in The Garden of Edmonton, to profiteth thickset men. The Almighty Buck smiled down upon this arrangement - at least until the Asian market collapsed. www.geoffolson.com
