Mayor Gregor Robertson apparently turns 50 today (Sept. 18). How do we know?
Disregarding the fact that Robertson’s Wikipedia entry states the mayor was born in 1965, actually making him 49 years old, Vision Vancouver had a link on its website urging well-wishers to pay their respects to Robertson’s half-century of studliness with a friendly note. “Mayor Gregor turns 50 years young this Thursday, September 18th. Will you sign his card and send him a birthday message?” read the webpage. “We’ll collect your birthday messages for Gregor right here and pass them on to him on Thursday. Add your name and a personal note, and we’ll keep you up-to-date on Gregor’s work to move Vancouver forward.”
Those who wanted to post a birthday message were also asked to fill out a form listing their full name, mobile phone number, email address and street address. Why Vision didn’t want to know our blood type, measurements and an anecdote about how we lost our virginity will remain one of life’s great mysteries.
We get it that political parties gearing up for campaign mode want to amass as much information about potential voters as possible. Logically, someone who would go out of their way to wish a candidate happy birthday is likely to vote for them. But collecting voter data under the pretense of sending the mayor happy birthday wishes, which he will then appreciatively read, is as insincere as it is cheesy.
Then again it’s that kind of crass opportunism and shameless chicanery that gets politicians elected, and something a number of Vancouver’s upstart parties might be wise to consider:
Upload your Crotch Shots for Democracy to the Cedar Party’s website along with your Twitter handle, relationship status, bank account info and a list of celebrities you would sleep with.
Send Vancouver First’s Sophia Woo and Ken Denike a telegram, fax or letter written in blood along with your name, religion, sexual orientation, favourite Roger Whittaker song and plans for the Rapture.
Befriend OneCity’s RJ Aquino on Facebook, invite him to play Words with Friends with you, message him beard grooming tips and be sure to describe your relationship with your parents, any allergies you might have, a map to your house and your social insurance number.
Swipe right on Tinder for Neighbourhoods for a Sustainable Vancouver (NSV), then text back and forth a few times just to get a feel for each other (no Crotch Shots for Democracy, please) before meeting for coffee where you will be asked to submit a DNA sample (just a few strands of hair or a quick mouth swab), write down your worst kept secret on a napkin, provide an up-to-date resume, partake in a Tarot card reading and let Randy Helten inspect your home for ghosts and other paranormal activity.
