As the municipal election sweats, grunts and wheezes to its climatic Nov. 15 finish like a drunken middle age couple desperately trying to rekindle the magic in their tired marriage with a night of pressure-filled but ultimately joyless and disappointing lovemaking, K&K sympathizes with you — 119 candidates, dozens of unfamiliar names, indecipherable platforms, pie-in-the-sky promises, back and forth accusations, Tim Louis leaving messages on your answering machine at all hours of the day. It’s a lot to take in. So instead of giving you a broad overview of all the candidates and what they stand for, we’d like bring things down to an easy-to-digest micro level and provide you with an assortment of inconsequential details and random trivia about some of the people vying for your vote.
• Vision mayoral incumbent Gregor Robertson plays tuba. The tuba is the least sexy instrument next to something called a rusty trombone, even when played by someone whom the Globe and Mail refers to as a “movie star handsome mayor.” Fun fact: Anyone conceived while tuba music was playing in the background has a 90 per cent chance of not graduating from high school.
• When NPA mayoral candidate Kirk LaPointe was managing editor of the Vancouver Sun, he wrote a seemingly never-ending series of columns about his visits to the foot doctor leading up to participating in the Sun Run. He also tweeted pictures and updates throughout his 67-minute run, which somehow made the prospect of taking part in such a physical endeavour feel even more tedious.
• COPE mayoral candidate Meena Wong wears Batman cufflinks. We have no idea why. We once saw her campaigning on Main Street, talking to people waiting for a bus, which if you ask us doesn’t seem like the most captive of audiences since hardly anyone is going to miss their bus just so they can listen to a woman in Batman cufflinks talk at them.
• Independent mayoral candidate Mike Hansen recently left a message on our colleague’s answering machine that was so offensive it was humourous. If you vote for him, you are insane.
• Green council candidate Pete Fry is the son of Liberal MP Hedy Fry. A colleague interviewed him years ago for a story on poster art when he was a graphic artist going by the name Pete Digiboy. At the time, he was designing a CD for a Maritime death metal band. We have no idea what Maritime death metal sounds like, but it’s probably wicked.
• According to an online humble brag from the NPA, park board candidate Erin Shum won “the prestigious Duke of Ediburgh [sic] Award before the age of 21.” Incidentally, the tweet praising Shum’s scholastic accomplishment spelled “Edinburgh” incorrectly.
Did you know? Park board candidate @ErinYVR won the prestigious Duke of Ediburgh Award before the age of 21. #vanpoli pic.twitter.com/RLBoGbOXkQ
— NPA Vancouver (@NPAVancouver) November 8, 2014
According to her Twitter profile, Shum also owns She to Shic Beauty Lounge. We’re also pretty sure it’s spelled “Chic.” But we’re guessing that’s on purpose since she won the prestigious Duke of Edinburgh Award before the age of 21. Big whoop. In Grade 7 we were awarded “Best Legs” in our school on account of all the scabs and bruises we had from playing soccer on an all-weather gravel field. Eat it, Shum.
