K&K regretfully concludes its annual atonement series in honour of Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, which this year begins the evening of Oct. 3 and ends the evening of Oct. 4, and indeed in honour of atonement rituals in all religions, where we beg forgiveness for past mistakes, misdeeds, egregious errors in judgment and moments of all around douchiness. Once again, we’re sorry.
Over the years, several family members and friends have begun to bear fruit from their loins and have children. And as these children get older, they inevitably challenge us to races or games of skill, such as foosball, Crazy 8s or slaps. It’s what kids do as they grow into themselves, become more confident and evolve into a functioning and engaged human being rather than remaining a helpless poo and vomit factory. And because of this, we will readily accept their challenge to a race or game of skill. We are fun, after all, and like to maintain some remnant of childlike wonder in our increasingly cynical, tired and achy soul.
However, unlike most of our friends and family members who take part in similar races and games of skill with young children, we feel no inclination to let kids win.
Even though our competitor might be five or six or seven years old, and allowing them to win a race or game of skill could conceivable build up their confidence or bring them joy, we will never let them beat us. We will run at top speed, use our decades of experience and highly developed motor skills to defeat our young opponent, as definitively as possible, usually gloating afterwards.
Sorry, nephews, nieces and young children of our siblings and closest friends. Although we claim that not allowing you to beat us in a race or game of skill is character building and teaches you the importance of being a good loser and that not everything will go your way in life and to try harder, the simple fact is we are competitive and we don’t like to lose. Losing a race or game of skill is bad enough, but losing to a six-year-old who still believes in the Tooth Fairy and thinks that wearing a Transformers backpack is cool is not something we can accept or allow in our diminishing life. Because there will be a day when you will tower over us and be faster than us and become more adept in the fine art of slaps. But until then, we will defeat and crush you as long and mercilessly as we can. It’s all we’ve got and we won’t let you take the sweet taste of victory, no matter how small or faint, away from us.
