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Lame of thrones: Christy Clark’s speech promises to be full of promises

All eyes, ears and looming senses of dread will be on the legislature in Victoria this afternoon when Premier Christy Clark issues her long-awaited throne speech, setting the stage for a confidence vote, which her government stands a good chance of l
pony
Today's throne speech will include a free pony for every eight- to 12-year-old girl in the province.

All eyes, ears and looming senses of dread will be on the legislature in Victoria this afternoon when Premier Christy Clark issues her long-awaited throne speech, setting the stage for a confidence vote, which her government stands a good chance of losing.

Funny thing, Clark conveniently appears to have had a change of heart regarding the past six years she and her party have been in power. So much so, her throne speech will include promises to end a 10-year freeze on welfare rates, tie disability assistance to inflation, ban union and corporate donations to political parties, a commitment to bring in a poverty-reduction plan and amend the provincial budget to add $1 billion over the next four years for child care and early childhood development. Why her government didn’t campaign on these promises, let alone do anything instead of outright reject them while they were in power, is anyone’s guess. But we’re guessing, Clark and co. have some other gems in today’s throne speech to woo the public and voters, if, gasp, another election is around the corner. Here’s what we’re expecting:

  • A free pony for every eight- to 12-year-old girl in the province.
  • To address the needs of millennials who vote, the government will establishment a Ministry of Chill, which will be responsible for tons cool stuff like…you know, whatever. 
  • The free slice of Billy Miner Pie that Keg restaurants are known to give customers on their birthdays will be extended to anyone, birthday or not, who says to the server, “This one’s on Christy, she’s the best.” 
  • A commission to look into making cardboard boxes more waterproof and comfortable to sleep in.
  • Remember Clark’s failed “Om the Bridge” International Yoga Day event a few years back that would have shut down the Burrard Street Bridge, cost a reported $150,000 and was perceived to show a lack of respect for National Aboriginal Day because it was held on the same day? Well, it’s back on. Except this time, it’ll shut down the Lions Gate Bridge during rush hour on a Friday afternoon before a long weekend. It’ll still be held on National Aboriginal Day. #consistency
  • Clark, Mike de Jong and Rich Coleman promise to personally hug a poor person every day for a week, and whisper in their ears, “I’m so, so sorry for the past [mumble, mumble, cough] years. Are we good? If so, would you mind passing that on to your other poor friends in the ghetto for us? It’s still called the ghetto, right?”

@KudosKvetches