When voters visit their local polling station this Saturday (all 34 per cent of them), they’ll be faced with difficult choices. Who do they elect for mayor, park commissioner and school trustee? Do they approve of the city’s four-year Capital Plan? Who’ll stop the rain? Do they dare eat a peach?
And while thought and research should always go into making such decisions, K&K is also concerned with how well a candidate’s name will work in headlines, specifically pun-filled headlines, which, to be honest, is one of the few lights at the end of the long, dark tunnel of covering municipal politics. That, and partying with contributor Bob Mackin. The dude is a beast. So here are the candidates we are endorsing strictly based on their headline potential.
The simple truth is Mayor Gregor Robertson’s name has had six years to provide us with a decent pun, and we couldn’t come up with a single one. Which is why, as mentioned in previous columns, NPA hopeful Kirk LaPointe is so tantalizing. “LaPointe taken,” “Missing LaPointe,” “Kirking for the weekend” — the possibilities are endless. And while COPE’s Meena Wong also has strong headline potential, puns that riff on the name Wong always sound a tad racist.
On council, we’ve always been a fan of NPA incumbent Elizabeth Ball, particularly when it comes to punny headlines such as “Wrecking Ball,” “Ball gag,” “Having a Ball and that’s not all,” “Ball breaker,” “Ball’s to the wall” and, personal favourite, “Ball’s deep”… because she’s so intelligent and wise. But unfortunately, due to K&K’s past indiscretions, we are not permitted to write about Ball in this column. So we’ll turn our affections to Green Coun. Adriane Carr, if only for the possibility of one day reading “Yo, Adriane!” in print. But most of all we’re excited about Vision’s Niki Sharma. We’re not sure how we could use “This Sharma man” as a headline unless we profile her husband, but we’re big proponents of “Don’t squeeze the Sharma,” which could also be used if the NPA’s Sandy Sharma gets elected to school board.
Speaking of school board, Patti Bacchus has consistently given us the goods with “Bacchus in black,” “Bacchus in the saddle” and “Baby’s got Bacchus,” but we also like the look of her Vision cohort Cheri Payne for such headlines as “Cheri picking,” “Cheri on top,” “House of Payne,” “Payne in the membrane” and “Payne in vain.”
And let’s not forget park board. Trevor Loke has already earned his stripes for “Tone Loke” and “If Loke’s could kill,” but Olympic swimmer Brent Hayden shows huge upside with “Hayden seek,” plus he’ll probably be shirtless for most of the long and tedious park board meetings.
