As frequent travellers on the floating Kirkland stonewash denim barge that is B.C. Ferries, K&K is well acquainted with the corporation’s ever-changing flights of fancy: the frequent fare increases, the breakdowns, vessels’s shaky relationship with docks, the hard to predict schedules, the inconsistent video game selection. However, the latest round of changes, which were announced by Transportation Minister Todd Stone on Monday, caught us a little off guard.
Apparently it’s costly to run a ferry system that isn’t considered an extension of the province’s highways as it once was. Increased fuel and labour costs, replacing an aging fleet and playing a shell game with millions of dollars in executive and management bonuses are not cheap. Thus, Stone’s announced sea change includes cuts to services, particularly the number of sailings to smaller communities (in your face, Haida Gwaii!), increases in seniors’ fares (cuz eff them), and the implementation of slot machines (because putting your life in the hands of the rusty Queen of Surrey and praying that it won’t run aground isn’t enough of a gamble).
We say B.C. Ferries is going about it all wrong. If it really wants to make some sweet and delicious cash, here’s what it should do:
• Sell booze. Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy a barely edible meal with a barely drinkable glass of wine or light beer? Plus all that noise, snot and tears coming from the kids play area make Mommy and Daddy thirsty.
• Real life onboard masseuses. Anyone in their right mind knows that coin-operated massage chairs are strictly for amateurs and pervs. They’re like the Maroon 5 of the health and wellness world. Let’s get some fully licensed massage technicians who are covered by MSP working out those tired, achy muscles of yours. We’d even suggest onboard saunas if B.C. Ferries’ clientele were a little less, how should we say, from Nanaimo.
• Steep fines for parents of unruly children. Same goes for dirty hippies noodling on their acoustic guitars and teenagers talking too loudly about how Nathan and Becca should tooooooootally get together.
• More nautical themed clothing in the gift shops. Currently B.C. Ferries’ gift shops sell an array of fleece and retiree-friendly outdoor wear with the occasional token nod to tourist-friendly First Nations iconography. But to tap into the irony-loving 20 to 40 something demographic, and all of their disposable income, B.C. Ferries should really go full-on hipster seafarer with captain hats, pirate paraphernalia, red Jacques Cousteau toques and Love Boat DVDs.
• Booze. Did we mention it? B.C. Ferries should really sell booze.
