That old Field of Dreams adage about build it and they will come can easily be applied to Vancouver’s absurd housing market. But sometimes developers still feel the need to sell the sizzle and really sink their meat hooks into prospective buyers with elaborate branding, promotional hype and poetic ad copy.
Case in point: Gryphon Development’s ode to Westbury, “a boutique collection of eight townhomes in the heart of the prestigious and heritage-rich Arbutus Ridge neighbourhood.”
You had us at “boutique collection.”
Don’t get us wrong. It takes a certain amount talent to convince people that $3 million is a reasonable amount to pay for a townhome, not including strata fees. But Gryphon’s creative writing team really outdid themselves with its latest entry into the increasingly crowded world of real estate erotica. This is 100 per cent real, by the way.
It’s 7am, and you are just settling in for your morning coffee on your private rooftop terrace at Westbury, admiring the mountain views. The sun has just finished its ascending climb and you see your neighbors [sic] June and Ian returning home from their morning jog to prepare breakfast for their elementary school children. You wave hi as you sip on your coffee.
"Hey June, how’s the parent school advisory role suiting you? You mentioned Crofton is doing a fundraiser luncheon next month?"
"Oh yes – we’ll have all the parents over to chat about the next overseas learning trip with their teachers to Europe and host a fundraiser to cover the cost of the trip. Will you be joining?”
Breathtaking stuff. And so relatable.
While the trials and tribulations of June, Ian and the unnamed protagonist (who’s a bit of a busy body if you ask us) might not move Giller Prize judges or even the panel at Canada Reads, it has attracted the attention of Vancouver’s literati.
Sweet jesus, I just found my dream job: writing prospective homeowner fanfiction.— Sarah Ellis Fox (@sarahellisfox) March 9, 2018
Worst. Character. Exposition. Ever.— Sweet Maple Booty 甜枫, a div. of RuhRoh Capital LLC (@penultsquire) March 9, 2018
But back to June, Ian and the person who sits on their rooftop deck at 7 a.m. and observes the world like a latte-sipping buddha atop a lonely mountaintop of mortgage payments.
You exchange goodbyes and you return indoors to respond to some emails in the kitchen, charging your laptop under the kitchen counter using the USB charging outlets. You steam some vegetables and fish in the steam oven to prepare a health-conscious lunch for the kids before going to wake them. The kids run to the bathroom to get ready – luckily the double sinks and mirrors allow both children to get ready at the same time. You get ready in your own bathroom using the makeup mirror with built-in lighting, a perfect detail your previous homes all seemed to miss. The motion-sensor lights turn on as you walk into the walk-in closet to pick out your outfit for the day and you make some tweaks to your accessories looking at the custom full-length mirror that came with the home, another feature you simply can’t live without.
Or is it?