Countless Vancouverites felt a cold, numbing pain in their loins this week after it was announced that Canucks feisty forward and underwear model Ryan Kesler had been traded to the Anaheim Ducks. In return for Kesler and a 2015 third-round pick, Vancouver received centre Nick Bonino, defenceman Luca Sbisa and the 24th and 85th picks in last weekend’s NHL draft. And while there is much optimism surrounding the acquisition of young Bonino and Sbisa, we’re not sure what either player looks like with their shirts off, so we’re reserving judgment.
In addition to toughness and speed, Kesler’s washboard abs and a rugged treasure trail were an imposing force in the locker room, regularly humbling and shaming the likes of Kevin Bieksa’s pecs, Chris Higgins’ dimpled derriere and the Sedins’ creepy ginger pubes. But most of all, we feel sorry for Pam in our accounts payable, whose dedication and love of Kesler is only matched by her love of a clean balance sheet. Rumour has it she hasn’t stopped weeping for the past two days, but we’re afraid to go upstairs to check on her out of fear we may feel obligated to take our shirts off in an attempt to comfort her. And nobody needs to see that.
