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We will forever regret not bidding on the Queen of Burnaby

Sad news, local transportation buffs. Your chance to become intimately acquainted with a mechanical hunk of metal and piece of B.C. history has come and gone.
bc ferry

Sad news, local transportation buffs. Your chance to become intimately acquainted with a mechanical hunk of metal and piece of B.C. history has come and gone.

No, we’re not talking about paying Jimmy Pattison a hefty hunk of change for a one-night stand with Expo Ernie. Though that would be worth every penny (we hear Ernie’s a real robot tomcat between the sheets).

We’re talking about the sale of decommissioned B.C. ferry boat the Queen of Burnaby.

Earlier this week we learned the 1965-built ship, which served the Powell River-Comox route until last May, was up for auction.

Sure, there were a few caveats: the ferry wasn’t “mechanically sound” or “maintained at any guaranteed level of quality,” it experienced “periodic leakage of hydraulic oil,” the boat contained “hazardous materials… that must be managed in accordance with environmental regulations” and the purchase of said ferry in no way would guarantee let alone assist in obtaining a night of piston-pumping passion with Expo Ernie. But it at least offered hope. Hope that an average person could own a clunky, environmentally hazardous B.C. ferry for less than the price of a one-bedroom condo in (shudder) Marpole. That was until we learned the auction closed Thursday night, and the unofficial winning bid was a cool $555,575. Oh the things we could have done with the Queen of Burnaby. Here are just a few ideas for our rusty B.C. ferry makeover.

  • A perilous, STD-riddled nightclub called Floatation Device.
  • A craft brewery or tap room called Suds. Naturally, B.C. liquor laws would prevent the imbibing of beer on the premises, but customers would be able to pick up their flights and growler fills at a centralized distribution facility in two, three weeks max.
  • Ted Talks venue. Imagine all the sinking, swimming and extending a lifeboat metaphors in the inspirational speeches.
  • A Justin Trudeau-approved medical marijuana grow-op called High Tide.
  • Movie set for the next half- dozen Deadpool sequels.
  • Temporary housing for short term Airbnb rentals, cuz that’s the only way we could make it work financially. Honestly.
  • The beginning of a rogue armada of decommissioned ferries to rule the high seas and pillage ports of call with impunity. We’re coming for you next, Queen of Nanaimo.

@KudosKvetches